Relationship challenges are prevalent, regardless of age, race, social status, or other demographics. Regardless of your background, life experiences, or unique make-up – there’s not much that makes one immune to the fact that the merging of unique human flaws, traumas and overall perspectives of life make for a tough navigation into the mystique world of love. This couldn’t be more true when we add the twist of intercultural relationships, dating, and marriage.

An intercultural couple is generally defined as “a romantic partnership where the individuals involved come from different racial or ethnic backgrounds.” It is inevitable that one’s cultural identity and traditions play a major role in how we perceive the world around us, the people around us and our environments. So, what happens when one breaks away from the “norm” of societal expectation, embarking on a journey in love which challenges us to walk the delicate line of what we’ve known to be true and what our partners have  come to accept as their own reality? This is where cultural differences come into play.

The growing visibility of intercultural couples, intercultural relationships and marriages has magnified the issue of compatibility, resilience, and the candid question of “what does it take to make an intercultural relationship work?” The myth that “Love conquers all” comes into interrogation, and one must ask, what else is in the recipe that makes for a sustainable, healthy intercultural relationship.

Why Intercultural Couples Struggle

Like many relationships, intercultural relationships often struggle for a variety of reasons. The reality is that cultural values clash, the differences in communication styles are difficult, and family pressures are at an all time high. In this article, we will dissect each challenge and look at solutions that remedy these difficulties within the relationships and marriages of these intercultural couples. 

Cultural Values Clash

Perhaps you are a woman who values emotional safety, whereas your partner views safety as their ability to provide alone. Or you may be a male who values a traditional woman that fits comfortably into a feminine role as deemed by society, while your spouse values the freedom to pursue professional growth, independence and personal financial mobility. Both with good intentions, you struggle to feel seen and valued in the relationship due to conflicting values in the relationship stemming from cultural upbringing. One or both parties feel dismissed, unappreciated and misunderstood – yet the love is there, just beneath the surface, fighting to not become overshadowed by the noise. 

Differences about gender roles, money, religion and parenting introduce new layers to an already complex dynamic. Before you know it, an intercultural couple struggles to understand if a relationship is compatible. While in actuality, there is simply more work and awareness needed to recognize that the hurdles at play are not necessarily based on compatibility, but instead learned behaviors and belief systems. Our expectations of love and commitment were birthed long before the relationship began.

Communication Style Differences

It is easy to approach a relationship – romantic or not – with the assumption that another person’s communication style is the same as your own. This can create both expectation as well as disappointment when the outcome is different from what you anticipated. One person may come from a cultural background where directness is the norm, yet when brought into communication with someone who is more accustomed to a “diplomatic” or “face saving” form of communication, conflict arises. The latter may experience the former communicator as harsh, insensitive or abrasive. On the contrary, the former may feel misunderstood, frustrated or even antagonized for simply expressing in a way that feels natural to them. 

Oftentimes, there is not enough awareness or mindfulness of both parties to see the dynamic objectively – leading to emotions spiraling into a disconnect in the relationship. If not handled with care, this is when resentment and bitterness can engulf an intercultural relationship before it can fully flourish. Alternatively, when considering that “love conquers all,” this is when love alone is left to do all of the emotional heavy weight lifting leaving two individuals who may choose to remain together crippled by the painful, vicious cycle of unhealthy patterns that create strain and hopelessness.

“I love you, but I don’t like you syndrome” has entered the chat.

Family & Social Pressure

If an intercultural couple weren’t up against enough obstacles, well, family pressure often becomes the ultimate test. Interracial couples may be battling with racism; couples from different cultural backgrounds may have overbearing expectations from in-laws, and in either case –  feelings of rejection and family interference. It’s enough to leave the toughest soldier mentally tap-dancing on the edge, and questioning their life choices. Xenophobia, or the dislike of persons from other countries is another real threat to someone’s emotional safety in an intercultural relationship.

How To Fix Intercultural Couples Struggles

Ask, Instead of Assume

Compassion and curiosity, rather than condemnation, is key. As people, we can be more judgemental than we would like to admit or acknowledge. Because we all have “unconscious bias”, you must have an honest conversation with yourself, and ask “ Am I showing up with cultural humility?” Understandably, this can be difficult to do while simultaneously you may also be the recipient of a partner’s explicit, or implicit bias.  If you can remember that you are not in control of your environment, but instead how you show up in your environment – that is an empowered start. When you remain curious, you provide a space for yourself and your partner to explore differences with empathy, not judgment—turning potential conflict into connection.

Create a Shared Culture

Upbringing shapes an individual. Still, we must remember that It is okay to keep what is working, and to ditch what no longer does. As developing young humans, we adapted to our environments and conditioning for survival because we relied on our caregivers to keep us safe. In adulthood and relationships, we must reassess what is helpful and what is no longer useful. This is not an instruction to throw your family values out like last week’s leftovers—just to examine what still tastes good. Now is the time to co-create values, rituals, and traditions unique to your relationship. Rather than seeing cultural differences as a source of tension, it’s an opportunity to blend the best of both worlds and create something new that is only yours.

Seek Culturally-Informed Couples Therapy or Coaching

Sometimes intercultural love advice and support is needed but should be sought out with intention and care through an informed couple’s therapist or coach (Book your free engagement call). Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, seeking advice from close friends and family can create further damage. Seeking therapy or culturally aware guidance can provide the support you need to thrive in love, rather than barely surviving. A coach with intercultural expertise is likely to offer a neutral perspective, without the bias that might stem from being part of one of the cultural backgrounds in the relationship. This allows a safe space for both partners to express concerns or challenges related to their cultural differences without feeling judged or misunderstood. If you are feeling at a loss in your relationship, an experienced professional can help you to uncover the root of the unique challenges in your relationship so that you can enjoy your partner again by overcoming the fear, confusion and frustration.

Learn Your Partner’s Language

When examining how to fix intercultural relationship issues it is important to attune to your partner’s unique language. Learning your partner’s language involves developing deep emotional intelligence, empathy, and cultural sensitivity. Ask yourself: How does my partner communicate emotionally, culturally, and non-verbally? Try active listening, which involves not only hearing the words your partner is saying but also understanding the underlying emotions and needs beneath the words.Practice validating your partner through acknowledgement and affirmation. This helps each person to know that his or her feelings are seen, heard, and respected. Even with different perspectives, acknowledgement is a commonality.

Set Boundaries with Family & Community

When family tradition and values clash, it often creates tension – making boundary setting challenging. Setting joint boundaries will aid you in establishing a united front which can be a valuable tool for cultivating and protecting a safe space in your intercultural relationship. This is not a recommendation to ignore marital or relationship problems, but it does create space between the two parties involved and outside influences that can create too much noise for the couple to truly reflect, and problem solve according to their own personal goals and needs. It can be helpful to prepare a handy script for difficult conversations with parents, in-laws, or friends. Booking an engagement call for support in developing boundary setting responses may be just what you need. Setting boundaries is a way of asserting your individual and relational identities—without losing the connection to your heritage and families.

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